If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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