I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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