Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
