oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
