Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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