my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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