somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
