I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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