I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
