tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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