wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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