I'm eating all of the evidence.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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