If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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