My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
