i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
