Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
