I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
