Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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