Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
