dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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