it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
