don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
