im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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