In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
