you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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