I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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