i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
