i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
