I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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