i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
