i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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