i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize