so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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