I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
