I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
