I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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