I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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