you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
