Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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