before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
