Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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