He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
