do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
