okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
