Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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