im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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