why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
