Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
