if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I supernannyed him into submission
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
