Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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