I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
