I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Randomize
