at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
