cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
