Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
