I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
