I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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