When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
