Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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