i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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