She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
