you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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