I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
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