I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
