Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish you could order shots online.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize