I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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